Krillionaire!

The big wiener, or whiner, or what ever you call being awarded a $2400 tax bill plus licenses and registrations and maintenance costs that have to be forfeited in two years...The Krillionaire Safety official!

Updates and results...

Well, the Annoy-a-tron was a huge success but ended up annoying unintended victims to the point of full chimpout! If you'll recall, the 2.0 version had bigger everything plus 6 sound choices. After careful consideration I chose the cricket chirp. I replaced the last unit behind the girl's work stations with the 2.0 and watched the hilarity ensue. First chirp one of the girls just about jumped out of her chair. This edition of the A-A-T is very loud and throws a good echo from the I-Beam where it is placed to sound like it could be coming from several different locations. It was beautiful. People came from far corners of the building after the first few chirps looking for the cricket. This lasted all through the day last Saturday. On Monday, our resident colored boy came in at 6, right after the supervisor. A couple of us are in on this joke so we waited patiently. Didn't take long. "Brutha Wauka" heard the first chirp of the morning and shot from his cubicle. In a typically loud scream, "Ana buddy heah dat? sound like a muh fuggen mouse! I was hearin it aw day Satta day. I know we gots mice in heah. You hear it don't you?" Andy said, "I heard a cricket." I said me too. Brutha Waukka says he know what a mouse sound like and that be a muh fuggen mouse got dammit. The boy was on all fours looking for mouse turds until Andy warned him the mouse might jump out at him. OOOWEEE, dang. **CHIRP** Got dammit, there it go again! Some one best take care a that mouse or I'm goin home! I ain't gots ta work in conditions where muh fuggen mice be runnin unda muh feets!

Had to ultimately remove the unit because of the hysterical boon. His buddy, our other token joined in the fight to have the mice removed. Everyone was laughing at them because it was clearly a cricket, but these project dwellers couldn't relate. They knew what mice sound like! Absolutely hysterical to watch. They were terrified!

On a safety note, Krill is getting annoyed with the personal attacks using his name and making fun of safety. Even though I am the only one who updates his safety board, he can't stop whining. If he only knew. He even comes to me crying. "You're here early...you ever see which one of those assholes is writing all over my board?" Nope...they must do it when I'm on break or something! Here are two from this past week...enjoy!

Todays Safety Board

In Protest Of Continuity...

They changed my truck runs and notified no one. And they wonder why we are $3 Krillion in the red for the year already!

Coming soon...

The Annoy-A-Tron 2.0 ! 6 sounds, volume control, dual magnets. Truly a device designed with me in mind. I've ordered them 2nd day air, so early next week, I should have just about everyone hearing shit at work! Good thing I don't have any hobbies to distract me from the important crap!

Safety Board Again

This one requires some background information. You must realize even this guy's friends think he's a dick. His last name is Krill and everyone calls him that out of total disrespect. First line of business is to tell about our nearly bankrupt organization crying poverty to such an extent, they want us to pick up used rubber bands off the ground so we can save money. So they purchase shabby quality Tee Shirts with a company logo on the front and hand them out to every single employee. Keep in mind we employ nearly 800,000 people nationwide. Derrr?

Now Krill, the safety guy. He is an avid listener to some stupid sports talk radio station while he is on his delivery route. He calls in regularly and wins dumb little contests from time to time. This particular time he ended up winning a car! Well...kinda winning a car. He won a 2 year lease. He had to come up with $1,200 sales tax and registration fees, plus a $50 per month tax to cover his good fortune. The guy is ecstatic. I just don't see the glory in winning a $1,200++ bill plus an inevitable end of year beat down from Uncle Sam for taxes he will undoubtedly owe by April 15th. But I digress, the dufus is walking on air! So it's a red Nissan something or other brand new for him and his one legged bride to borrow for a couple of years. Good for him. As for what he had to do to win it, he was required to drive 90 minutes over to Vermont to a Nissan dealer where he and a hundred other saps stood waiting to be the last name standing in a drawing from a hat. Krill was the last one. Krill won the extra expenses! YAY for Krill. He returned to work with all the promotional pictures of him, the car, the oversized banner for the radio station, blah blah blah. He hung it all around his work area not unlike your six year old's crayon stick people drawings on your refrigerator. He looks ridiculous both in the pictures as well as in real life. So with all of this as a preface to showing you the current safety board joke on Krill...I give you the latest photo of the board.
Click to enlarge the picture for easier reading.

Got A New Prank Running

Just a quick post to mention my latest multi-pranking activities. The safety board and annoy-a-trons are all regular occurances, but I found another digital watch with an annoying alarm. Our scanners all sit in two tiers of cradles for charging/downloading, right beside the poor supervisor's computer. This new watch has an alarm very similar to the beeping sounds our scanners will make when information was not entered into the device properly. Behind the rack of scanner cradles is a placard with instructions on how to handle the scanners. It is merely one of those clear plastic binder protective sheaths with the printed instructions slid into it. To make this work for me, I slid another printed page into the sheath facing the other direction so it is now readable from either side. Between the two sheets, I placed the watch with the alarm set to go off at 6am every morning. I taped the sheath up on the back side of the shelves behind the scanners. I used packing tape. When the alarm goes off at 6, the supervisor immediately thinks one of the scanners is having a problem and proceeds to reset each and every one of them (approximately 45 of them) by taking it from its cradle and replacing it. The alarm rings for 60 seconds with the beeping speed increasing every ten seconds. As the boss frantically tries to shut the beeping off, the 60 seconds are up and an illusion of success fills his heart. He goes back to his work on the computer. After several days of this, he begins to think a specific scanner is malfunctioning so he tries to pay closer attention to which one actually stops the beeping. Unfortunately, every day it is a different one since his speed of resetting the scanners varies. He is at a point now where he wants to call a technician to figure out which scanner is malfunctioning. This is all taking place ten feet from my work area so I am watching the whole show. I have a few other guys watching too because quite frankly, fucking with a boss isn't nearly as much fun without others sharing in the hilarity. When a techie arrives, the boss will not be able to reccreate the situation, unless it is 6am sharp! The watch is virtually invisible. Nobody that even knew I had placed it somewhere could find it. One of my most confounding pranks yet I think. What I am thinking of doing is changing the alarm time so the afternoon people can be equally annoyed and frustrated, but then, I wouldn't get to see the fallout. I'll snap a pic next week of where the watch is in relation to the scanners and the bosses desk. I'm such an asshole. I only see dead batteries as an end for this endeavor!